The Curse of EVA 01
by Anubis DX
Summary: In the events following the Third Impact, madness ensues as the charred remains of EVA 01 drifts across the galaxy and passes through the possession of some very unlikely candidates. Contains Spoilers for Evangelionm, and..other stuff. You have been warne
1. Chptr1:The End of The End of Evangelion

Author's Notes:  
This story is meant to parody/spoof the stories mentioned within. I do not own nor will I pretend to own these in real life, though in the story I may appear as a multi-millionaire tycoon with rights to all of it, but if that does happen, I assure it is only a gimic for humor, so do not take it seriously, for as mentioned it is for comedic purposes. Oh yeah, this also contains spoilers for Evangelion and...stuff. Yeah.

Also, if anyone's "angry" I'm making fun of Evangelion. Kiss my-  
Kssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

The Author's Notes has been disconected. If you'd like to try and reconnect.  
----------------

Shinji Ikari sat in the middle of the wastland that was left of the GeoFront before the attempted third impact. The Giant Rei head sat in the ground amidst the wreckage of civilization, smoke billowing up into the sky above the planet which was now free of an atmosphere. Shinji could only think of one thing while he sat there.

Shinji:...How the heck am I still breathing?

He scratched his chin in thought as Asuka sat a few feet away complaining and reciting several obscenities she had learned over the years. Many of which Shinji believe she had made up on the spot.

Asuka: I can't believe you killed everyone!

Shinji: I hardly believe I can be held accountable for this.

Shinji crossed his arms and pouted. He looked over at Asuka and stuck his tongue out and turned back around, only to be hammered in the back of the head with a boot Asuka had found.

Asuka: What do you mean you can't be held accountable for this! Who's responsibility was it to accept Human Instrumentality Project?

Shinji: Technically that was Rei's responsibility.

Asuka promptly punched Shinji the back of the head, making one of his eyes burst from the socket. After roughly 45 minutes of his screaming, she finally shoved it back in. Shinji then developed a nasty case of pink eye.

Asuka: Anyways...But who merged with Rei?

Shinji: EVA 01.

Asuka: And who was PILOTING EVA 01?

Shinji froze in place as he turned a pale white and the background faded out to a dramatic shade of blue. He curled up into a ball and started crying again, before Asuka shook him madly until he snapped out of it.

Shinji: I can't believe I killed everyone...

Asuka: Ah well, you just saved me the trouble.

Shinji: The trouble of what?

Asuka: With everyone gone, I AM THE GREATEST!

Shinji: Can it Ali. We need to think of what to do next.

Roughly 450 years passed, and still they couldn't think of anything. There were no useable resources left on the planet, and though Shinji suggested they repopulate the planet, Asuka turned down the proposal with a swift kick to Shinji's family jewels.

-  
Around 448 years before Shinji's immense physical pain, EVA 01 spun about lazily in space with the Spear of Longinus pertruding from it's chest. The sun gleamed off it's burnt shell, when suddenly a faint green light reflected off of it's shell. A large ovelular silver ship had captured EVA 01 in its tractor beam and towed the ship behind it as it began to fly out of the solar system. A green alien sat at a control panel aboard the ship. It had long tendrils hanging off of its head, giving the appearence of dreadlocks.

Alien Helmsman: Sir, the target has been captured. It is composed of a bio-organic material, matching roughly 98 DNA match with captured human specimens from the planet known as Earth. Oddly enough sir, the planet now appears to have sustained a detonation of a time/space detonation device.

The Alien Commander, who looked surprisingly like Hugene Levi except he was 6 inches taller and had purple skin, looked over at the helmsman.

Alien Commander: No matter. We can repair this machine and further our own research with this organic device. Surprising to see humans have developed something so advanced. Oh yes, if anyone asks, we got this from Samuel L. Jackson.

Alien Helmsman: Why Samuel L. Jackson?...

Alien Commander: DON'T QUESTION MY METHODS!

Alien Helmsman:...Right. Entering warp drive. Oh yes, sir, I've been meaning to ask...

Alien Commander: Yes?

Alien Helmsman: Why am I the only crew member onboard?

Alien Commander: Because the others asked that question.

Alien Helmsman: Going to warp.

Alien Commander: Good man.

---

Meanwhile, Shinji and Asuka were bored out of their minds. After all, being the only people left in a world devoid of death anymore, Shinji having killed it, they couldn't really kill each other for fun. Shinji looked over at Asuka, his eyes gleaming. Asuka met his gaze.

Shinji: Asuka...there's something I've been meaning to say...

Asuka: Yes..Shinji?

Shinji: Do you know how to DM? I'm bored to tears and the only thing I really know to do for fun is listen to my walkman or play DnD. So, up for a game?

Asuka shrugged. She had run out of miscellaneous objects to pelt at Shinji, and this was the best thing to do to pass the time. 


	2. Chapter 2: The Retun of Everyone Else

Author's Notes: We are the Borg. Prepare to be entertained. Boredom is futile. Enjoy the in flight movie. On a serious note, if you find cannibal jokes to be offending, well, uh, don't read this chapter. 

---

Shinji laid down flat on his back, his stomach growling. Asuka was hungry too, despite the fact the two of them didn't technically need food anymore, due to some complex plot device that made them human yet immortal.Shinji looked around for something to eat. He looked down at his feet. His shoes could be devoured, due to shoe leather being treated cow hide...but he couldn't afford to sacrafice anything which might become a fashion statement eventually. Cannibalistic thoughts crossed his mind as he looked over at Asuka, but she would probably rip him to shreds and eat him just for thinking about using her as nourishment.

Shinji: I'm hungry.

Asuka: Me too.

Shinji: There's nothing to eat though...

Asuka looked around the landscape for something that could be used for food. The only things that stood out were two Stone Series EVAs supsended in the air, twisted iron poles, the Giant Rei head, abandoned cars...

Asuka: Hello there...

Asuka's gaze drifted back towards a certain giant object.

Shinji:...How are we supposed to eat a giant iron pole?

Asuka promptly smacked Shinji and adjusted his head towards her object of sustanence. He promptly proceded to whimper. -  
Twenty minutes later, Shinji and Asuka were sitting back to back for support. Shinji rubbed his stomach and let out a small sigh and shut his eyes. Asuka let out a belch.

Shinji: I feel like a monster..

Asuka: I can't believe I ate the WHOLE thing!

Shinji: But you only had a few bites...

Asuka: Shut up.

Asuka looked around the starry sky and at the landscape around them. A thought had crossed her mind a few times, but she hasn't really bothered to talk about it much, since she didn't expect an adequate answer from Shinji. Asuka figured she could pass the time by asking anyways, but she wasn't exactly sure what good passing the time would do.

Asuka: I've been wondering...where the heck is everyone? I haven't seen anyone else aside from you since you blew the Human Instrumentality Project.

Shinji: That was just the one time!

Asuka: It was only ever activated once!

Shinji: Oh yeah...but that is a good question. Where is everybody...

Asuka: Wait, I thought we had already established you had killed everyone.

Shinji: Can't I just pretend to escape this miserable reality!

Asuka: No. No you can't.

Shinji: ...Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep.

Asuka: Yes...sleep well Mr. Ikari. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Shinji:...on second thought, I'll be over there, hiding from you.

Asuka: How can you be hiding if you just told me where you're going to be?

Shinji:...Shut up!

Asuka: Touche'.

Asuka rolled her eyes and wandered off to explore the warped landscape. Meanwhile, everyone who had been involved in the Third Impact was indeed alright, though they weren't exactly...in a comfortable situation.  
-  
Misato opened her eyes to find herself lodged between what felt like multiple people and a slimy cold surface. The slime on it irritated her skin, and it smelled faintly of paint chips.

Misato: Hello?

To her surprise, she heard a familiar voice.

Toji: Where the hell am I! Did I die, is this hell! IS THIS EURODISNEY? DEAR GOD NOOOOOOO!

A man wedged just below Toji promptly elbowed him in the stomach before attempting to wriggle out of the cramped positioning. Soon more and more people began to awaken, finding themselves in the cold dark recesses of this mystery location.

Misato: Does it smell like paint chips to anyone else?

Toji: That's not paint chips, that's sulfur hydroxide. It's commonly found in the human digestive tract when certain bacteria are present.

Misato: Where in the world did you learn that?

Toji: Discovery Channel.

Suddenly a random cab driver from Bangledesh reached behind him, as he felt a pair of glasses stabbing him in the back. He reached around and grabbed them, only to feel a gloved hand stop him.

Gendo: No one touches the glasses.

Cab Driver: Sorry Mr. "I love my sunglasses so much I want to marry them and have a family...and have a nice house to raise my sunglass children in and.."

The cab driver ranted on for awhile as Gendo wrestled himself into a more comfortable position.

Misato: GENDO!

Gendo: Yes Misato?

Misato: This is all your fault, you know that! And where the hell are we! It's dark and cramped in here, and I feel like I'm going to be sick!

Gendo: Seeing as the target for all the human populace on Earth was the Lilith Egg the giant Rei had in her hands, I figure we're either inside that or...

Misato:...you can't be serious...

Gendo: Indeed I am. I believe we are inside the stomach of the giant Rei.

Misato: We?

Gendo: The entire human population of the planet Earth.

Upon hearing this, an angry man from Switzerland punched Gendo in the head. Gendo wriggled around to see who had attacked him, only to be elbowed in the side by the cab driver from earlier. Suddenly someone began shouting.

Person: GET HIM!

The next few hours were spent with the entire population of Earth showing how much they appreciated Gendo's idea of Human Instrumentality, even though the SEELE group was just as much to blame. Since no one would reveal who was in it, they foucused on Gendo.

Gendo: W-wait! OW! I can explain! AAAAAAAARGH! Will you stop pummeling me! The longer we're in here, the less oxygen we'll hav-OHGODMYSPINE! IT'S ALL REI'S FAULT! SHE CHOSE SHINJI, NOT ME!

Everyone went silent for a moment.

Misato:...But you're Shinji's dad!

Dr. Phil: Yeah, and your bad parenting probably lead to his lack of confidence and indecisiveness! And unlike on the show, I reccomend here a thorough ass kicking!

Toji: Uh, what he said!-  
After a significant amount of time had passed, and Gendo had been rendered unconcious from repeated spinal chord injuries and maximum "pwnage", the populace of Earth now was faced with the problem of getting out of Giant Rei's stomach. Suddenly a growl was heard as someone began screaming. Somehow a tyranosaurus had managed to find it's way into Rei's stomach along with Earth's population. There was, however, something strange with this particular dinosaur. It had hair for one, and in a style similar to that of one Gendo, as well as a strange pair of orange glasses.

Asuka: Shinji! Where are you?

Shinji had managed to hide from Asuka as to avoid being reminded of their horrible deed earlier, and also so he wouldn't get smacked in the back of the head again. He looked at the world around him and sighed, before a thought crossed his mind.

Shinji: (Where the heck is EVA 01?...)

Shinji looked at the stars, only to be met by a bizarre gaze as he saw what appeared to be a large object hurtling towards his current location.


	3. Chapter 3: The First Impact

Author's Notes:Why do I keep writing these? It's not like there's some matter of grave importance to address here..yet. 

---

Shinji let out a scream as large object descended from the sky, landing flat on Shinji. The two figures rolled out of Shinji's hiding spot umongst various wreckage in the GeoFront, both rolling to a stop in front of Asuka.

Asuka: You idiot, what are you up to now?...who's your friend?

Asuka bent down and helped up Shinji, who then turned and looked at what had fallen ontop of him. His jaw dropped as a scaled raptor dinosaur let out a light growling noise and flipping itself onto it's feet and shaking it's head around, knocking it's hair back into place.

Asuka: What the...there's something familiar about this lizard.

Shinji: A relative of yours?

Asuka punched Shinji in the back of the head, causing him to go rolling further down the junk heap. The raptor looked around and let out a light yelp. Asuka walked over and poked it's head, and looked at the hair that hung over it's eyes slightly.

Asuka: Why does this thing have your hair style, Shinji?

Shinji sat up and looked over at the Raptor,and sure enough, the hair sitting on it's head resembled Shinji's, as did the white shirt it was wearing. Even stranger was the fact it wasn't attacking either of them.

Shinji: Um...hi?

Raptor: Rar rar, rarrar.

Asuka: I think he said, "Hello, my name is Raptor-Shinji."

Shinji blinked in confusion and astonishment. He looked at Asuka, then at the Raptor, then back at Asuka.

Shinji: How do you know what it's saying?

Asuka: I just have an ear for that kind of thing.

Shinji: What, dinosaurs in general, or horrid beasts?

Asuka was about to punch Shinji again when Raptor-Shinji tugged on her bandaged arm. Asuka walked over to it.

Asuka: Yes?

Raptor-Shinji: Rar rar.

Asuka: A tyranosaurus with a beard and glasses you say? What's it's name?

Raptor-Shinji: Rararar.

Asuka: Tyranno-Gendo? Why do you and the big dino have the same name as Shinji and his father?

Raptor-Shinji: ahem Rarrar rar raaaaaar rarrr rar. Rarrr rar rrar. Rarrararar. Rar rar rar. Rar. Raaaaaaaar. ERAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR! Rar rar. Rar.

Shinji: What'd he say this time?

Asuka: He said "The best I can figure is, Tyranno-Gendo and myself are part of some repeating cycle. We were responsible for the event known as the 'First Impact.'"

Raptor-Shinji: Rar rar.

Asuka: He also said "There was also this evil female raptor, who I guess is remniscent of your scary friend here."..HEY!

Raptor-shinji: Rar har har.

Asuka went to punch Raptor-Shinji in the back of the head, but decided against when Raptor-Shinji gave her a very toothy grin. She coughed and went to punch Shinji again, only to trip and land face first into a pile of debris.

Shinji: Hm. Raptor-Shinji is a bit long isn't it?

Raptor-Shinji: Rar rar.

Asuka: He says "Not really."

Shinji:...Well, can we call you Rinji?

Raptor-Shinji: Rar.

Asuka: He says "I'll be Shinji, you be Rinji."

Shinji: But I'm Shinji!

Raptor-Shinji: Rar.

Asuka: He says "Fine, I'll be Rinji, but you owe me a meal."

Shinji gulped and looked around for something that could suffice for a Raptor's meal. His eyes darted around the wreckage around the three. There were the two Stone series EVAs suspended in the air, twisted iron poles, and of course...

Shinji: groan...

Several minutes later the Raptor was content as it ate the last of it's meal, and Asuka had had a snack along with Rinji. Shinji was still nauseas from the last meal. After Asuka finished her sandwhich, which composed of the only source of food in the entire area, and dirt for bread, she leaned back on a broken slab of cement.

Asuka: So, tell me about the First Impact.

Shinji: Will you translate later?

Asuka: No.

Shinji: Oh come on!

Asuka: Fine, idiot.

Rinji: Rar.

Asuka: What do you mean I'm an angry bitch!

Rinji: Rar har har.

Asuka: Anyways...

Rinji: Rar rar rar. Rar rar. Raaaaaaar rar rar...

It went on like that for awhile, with Asuka having to write down what Rinji was saying, using Shinji's blood as ink and a jagged piece of metal as a pen. After Rinji finished, Asuka began to read it in English.

Asuka: "Around 65 million years ago, we had developed something called the 'Dinosaur Instrumentality Project', where the dinosaurs would evolve into an abstract state of existence rather than a physical one. We thought we could do it by bringing a comet out of orbit, and at the moment of impact, we would trigger the Instrumentality powered by the kinetic energy of the comet. It back fired and we ended up turning everyone into fossils instead. I survived due to backing out of the Instrumentality at the last moment, and Tyranno-Gendo came with me, because he's a no-good moocher."

Shinji: I see.

Rinji: Rar.

Shinji: I did not blow it!

Asuka: You can understand him too now?

Shinji: Wait, what'd he say?  
---

The Alien Commander had sent the remnants of EVA 01 to be analyzed by the science department of the Alien Empire he belonged to, even though it only consisted of three people, and therefore took an obscene amount of time to complete. After they had retro-engineered the technology to develop more EVAs, a group formed calling themselves EEL, short for Electric Eagles Locally, they still don't understand why they chose it. After they had completed the EVAs, the angels began appearing and attacking, thus triggering the second impact in their society, the first being when someone spilled a can of mayonaise on a mass driver that wiped out half of their civilization. After the angels were defeated, the Alien helmsman from before was chosen for the Alien Instrumentality Project, and promptly ended his civilization by chickening out at the last second.

---  
As Asuka was contemplating ways to boss around Raptor-Shinji, or Rinji, a loud whistling noise was heard as a small object appeared above the group. Shinji looked up in horror as a yellow skinned man with dread-lock like tendrils flowing from his scalp crashed into him.


End file.
